he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
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I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
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she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
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