I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
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That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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