why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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