her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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