Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
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Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
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Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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