Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
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Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
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I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize