My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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