also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
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Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
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I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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