I wish you could order shots online.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
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Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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