I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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