I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
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His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
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Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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