I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize