Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
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His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
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I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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