6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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