I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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