yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
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Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
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No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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