My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
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he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
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May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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