I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
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i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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