I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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