my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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