I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
they're like a gay fantastic four
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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