All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
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She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
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I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize