Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
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I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
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At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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