we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
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I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize