Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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