I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
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We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
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i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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