I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
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Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
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I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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