I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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