Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
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There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
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You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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