I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
