Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
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If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
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well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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