The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
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It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
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He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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