so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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