i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
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The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
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I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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