The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
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You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
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Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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