I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
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i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
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This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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