How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
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I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
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I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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