the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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