What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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