The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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