There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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