nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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