Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
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The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
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Watching her eat just hurts me
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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