I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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