got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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