Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
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The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
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It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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