They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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