We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
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You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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