ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
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When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
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Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I feel like a drive thru vagina
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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