it's like iHOP with fire
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
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I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
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My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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